moany mouse

A lifestyle blog

Wednesday, 9 September 2015

The Spider Cupboard - WARNING. THIS CONTAINS A HORRID PICTURE. And caps lock.

I freakin' hate spiders. 

Ever since I was little they have been obsessed with me. If there was a spider in my bedroom it would 90% of the time end up ON me. They liked to get into my bed with me too. Totally inappropriate behaviour. I have an outrageous phobia and genuinely think I need therapy. I check my bed before I get in. My bed can't be against the wall because spiders love hanging out on walls and I won't be responsible for giving them easy access to get me in my sleep. My bed is like two inches out from the wall. It legit takes over my life.

On the other hand, I freakin' love my gran. I have two and they are both awesome. However one of them has a Spider Cupboard in her bathroom. A spider cupboard I hear you say? Yes.

In Scotland it is spider season. It's that time of year when all those hairy-legged a-holes come crawling inside to taunt the living hell out of us (or to get shelter/find a mate, whatever).





So I'm visiting my gran last night and I end up being there for two hours, chatting away and catching up on her latest antics, and I decide to head upstairs to the bathroom before I leave to drive home...

but wait...

MASSIVE SPIDER ABOVE MY HEAD ON THE STAIRS. 
Gran cackling at the bottom of the stairs because my voice is higher than a dolphin's. Me wondering how I'll ever make it back down alive. 
Then I get into the bathroom.
EVEN MORE MASSIVE SPIDER IN THE BATHTUB.
By this point my gran is on her way up the stairs with a newspaper, giggling because my nervous velociraptor-sounding noises have echoed their way downstairs. 

Up she comes, my wee hero, ready to save the day. I'm so happy to see her like I haven't just spent the last two hours with her. In she comes like the angel she is and lifts the big spider out of the bath using the paper...and OPENS THE CUPBOARD DOOR to throw him in, casual as anything.

?!?!?!!???????!??



Yup. For years, any time my gran has been visited by a bath spider she has scooped them all up and flung them into her bathroom cupboard. This is the actual stuff of nightmares and Tim Burton movies. She has a bath every morning, how can she relax three feet away from spider cupboard?!

Imagine the thing you are most scared of in the world. 
Heights, bears, wasps, death, loneliness, a night in Dwight Schrute's B&B.
Now imagine finding out that your cutest family member has been collecting your ultimate fear in a cupboard in her home for 15+ years and suddenly you are within touching distance. 

I want to bring my gran to live with me and burn that devil cupboard to the ground...but I bet she'd just do the same here. 

Eternal spider misery.

5 comments:

  1. HAHAHA, this was brilliant to read! I also HATE spiders, I would be so scared of visiting if my grandma had a spider cupboard, oh my gosh NO THANK YOU!
    Becky Shannon xx - Life-by-Becky

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    1. Haha thank you! It's funny now but at the time I was having palpitations! xx

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  2. Ohhhhh myyyy god nooooooooooooooo this is terrible. And that picture. I almost threw my computer on the ground. I swear to god spiders are malicious, conniving, evil creatures. They know what they are doing, and they know how to freak each person out.
    The fact that you have a "spider season" makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry for days. And I'm not nearly as scared of spiders as you. How do you manage??

    Burn it. Burn it all.

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    1. I don't manage at all!!!! I moved house last December and luckily we haven't had any big spiders so far. Pretty much everything I do in life is accompanied by some sort of spider-check, it's exhausting!

      I am a shell of a woman haha!

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  3. Oh my god, I had to click on the post as soon as I saw the title because I TOO HAD A SPIDER CUPBOARD. But definitely not intentionally like your crazy wee nan! In my second year at Uni we moved to a new place and I bagsy'ed the basement thinking I'd luckily got the biggest room. But on the day we moved in, it was the darkest scruffiest room imaginable, that came with it's very own spider cupboard! The ceilings were low and for the first few nights I'd have nightmares about spiders dropping from the ceiling into my mouth. Eurgh it was horrible. My mum came down to spruce the room up and it worked, but I never once opened up that cupboard. The meter was in there and people had to check it and open the cupboard, and I'd demand that I wouldn't look and they had to be careful in case they all tumbled out. Gosh, writing this has made me realise I REALLY don't miss that room. Your gran's toughness is admirable! Thanks for the larf xxxxxx
    Jesska - Opal Soul

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