moany mouse

A lifestyle blog

Monday, 7 December 2015

On The Road Again (to Recovery)


This post might sound like a bit of a mish mash of emotions but I made a promise I'd keep honest with you guys about what's going on with my head/health so bear with me!

So tomorrow I return to work after some time off. I've suffered with anxiety for years and years, however at the start of 2014 I was diagnosed with depression too and a few months ago it all kind of fell on top of me and burried me. I definitely needed time off to focus on getting myself better.



My doctor tried me on various different anti-depressants and for a while they did make me feel cheerier however that faded and eventually they just made me feel numb. I had no feelings about anything, which was incredibly handy for the likes of watching sad movies as it meant I wasn't a sobbing mess but on the flip side of things it meant I was indifferent to all the things that used to make me happy or give me a bit of excitement. When I was on Fluoxetine I experienced a lot of the side effects and physically they gave me a good kick in. 

Running alongside my head messing with me, my body started joining in and they proper ganged up on me. A few trips to the hospital, new aches and pains, old aches and pains intensifying, sickness, crazy IBS and weirdly tender arms(?!). Thankfully, the physical side of things has eased which has led me to make the decision to return to work ASAP. 

I don't like how needy I've become. During my time off I really out-hermitted (new word?) myself which, although it felt right at the time, left me probably more tense than I needed to be. My main source of company has been my two cats and I'm not saying that like it's a bad thing - my cats are hilarious angels - but it meant that I was rarely socialising with humans. Like, I'd impatiently wait for my boyfriend to return from work and when he was grumpy/tired from working all day I'd be really offended that he didn't want to spend hours talking to me and it'd make me slump even worse. It was hard to find a happy medium - when I was thinking rationally I could understand, and after explaining to him that he was my sole source of human interaction he understood where I was coming from a lot better.

~ Just me at the beach ~
Another thing I struggled with was that although I was talking to people about how I felt, they weren't really getting it. Like explaining to someone that I didn't have the energy to get out of bed to shower, or that I was throwing up at the thought of having to venture to the shop - my boyfriend and friends definitely heard what I was saying but did they understand? No. And I get that. I don't think you can fully understand unless you experience it yourself. 

As much as I feel like I've gotten through the worst of it, I'm still absolutely peeing my pants with fear (not literally, phew) about the thought of going back to work. I have that lovely "I can sense impending doom" feeling but I'm at a stage now that I fear if I don't make a move I will end up never going back and shit, I can't afford that. My boyfriend had a very serious chat with me about me reducing my hours, and as good as that sounds I keep thinking from a financially focussed point of view. I adore my house however don't plan on it being the home I settle/retire in. I'm in a fortunate position that my work pays me well (when I'm there loool) and I want to stick to my original plan of paying lots of this bad boy off so that I can eventually get the dream home, with the island kitchen and the conservatory and the free-standing bathtub. 

My health comes first though. So I'll see how it goes. I'm hoping that I don't spontaneously combust when I walk into work tomorrow. And I keep thinking about how much I'm gonna miss my cats...

Well this has certainly been a ramble. I know this might not be one of the more polished posts on your feed but I keep on with these kinds of posts because I know that at one point I had no one to relate to apart from strangers on the internet.

Who's betting I have the teeth falling out dream tonight?



Remember, although the meds didn't work for me they might be the best course of action for you so please don't take my ramblings as medical advice. I'd be a crap doctor, I'm way too fainty.


20 comments:

  1. I hope, dear, that your day at work went more than better. I can not say that I completely understand your situation as I don't. I have anxiety (social one, so social situations and big attention to me makes me want to throw up and lock myself 1000 miles down in the ground), but I haven't had depression. So, I don't know how it feels like, but I can imagine. And all I can imagine is a horrible place. I really hope you will get better and don't stop fighting! You can do it! :)

    -Leta | The Nerdy Me

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    1. Thank you so much for the support lovely. :) xx

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  2. Hi and thanks for sharing your story. If you want to try to go on medication again I really hope that you find one that works for you. I started taking meds that works for me in the begining of the summer and it have changed my world. I really hope you will do better soon./Love Ida

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    1. I'm so glad you found something that works for you and thank you for your support. :)
      I am open to trying anything if it will help so if my doc recommends more I will seriously consider it x

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  3. Thank you dear for sharing your story. I don't think anybody can truly understand anything unless they have experienced it at first hand. I totally understand and it's comforting to know we are not alone. My closest ones don't understand but can show empathy, which is better than nothing. Michele

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    1. I totally agree. Any support, whether it be from someone who can relate or not, is worth the world's weight in gold. x

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  4. I suffer from depression too. I too didn't like anti-depressants so I realised I just have to feel it. It's hard but for me, it eventually passes. I've learnt to identify triggers and make some lifestyle changes to hopefully reduce my instances of depression.

    It's still a work-in-progress but things have improved, so I guess the point of this message is to say keep going, don't give up...there is light at the end of the tunnel :)

    – Lubna | The Digital Review

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    1. Thank you for that :)
      I feel like I definitely need to identify my triggers, I always feel like it comes out of nowhere and forget to look out for what is setting it off.

      It really is a journey, as much as I wish there was an overnight fix I know I just have to try and power through. x

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  5. I found your post after you tweeted about #girlgang and I have just read it nodding my little head off! I can relate SO much - I've had social anxiety for years and I was diagnosed with severe depression early November. I have been really stressed out with work deadlines and haven't taken any time off because I feel obliged to keep going and guilty if I don't get them done, which is silly! So first off, actually taking time off for your health is hugely courageous and you get a big hug from me! I'm scared of taking time off and the possibility of getting worse, I feel like the routine of work is the only thing that is getting me out of bed right now and I'm worried about that going away. My boyfriend thinks I'll get better if I take the stress out of the equation, and I know he might be right but I am terrified, and like yours, he doesnt really quite understand. Which I try to see as a good thing really, because if they don't understand then it means they haven't felt this way - and I wouldn't wish depression on anyone. I really hope your first day back goes okay tomorrow, I will be thinking of you!

    It's definitely important to put your health first (This is a bit ironic as I don't take my own advice but I do mean this!), maybe you can see how it goes working fulltime and if you're finding it difficult you could reduce your hours? Thanks so much for you sharing your thoughts, sending you lots of love :) xxx

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    1. It's so weird isn't it, it's easy to encourage others with advice but hard to take our own advice haha!

      It is a really tough one, I feel like time off is what I needed to clear my head however now I'm in a panic about going back?! I spoke with someone at my work who has gone through the same thing and he said getting back to work is the best thing that he's done HOWEVER he felt that the time off was vital to regather his thoughts.

      I will admit, by being off work I really haven't had a lot of reasons to force myself out of bed and some days have been a total write off but on the other hand I got some very important self care done.

      I know we are all different but I really hope you are doing okay. Whether you do or don't take some time off feel free to keep in contact with me if you want to chat about it to someone in a similar position. Sending love right back to you and thank you for sharing this with me :) xxx

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  6. This is such a brave and amazing post. I too suffer with anxiety/depression. I know exactly how hard it is and that feeling of doom is unbearable. I really hope you find the strength and the happiness to get through it, I honestly would never wish mental illness on anyone - not even my worst enemy. Sending my love to you my love xxx

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    1. It's such an awful feeling isn't it? Like constantly waiting for something bad to happen. It's a weird feeling, it's a comfort to know I'm not going through this alone but again I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I hope you're doing well and I appreciate you taking the time to leave me a message lovely xxx

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  7. Good luck! I've suffered with anxiety and depression on and off for years. It was so bad at one point I developed agoraphobia because of it. So you're definitely not alone!

    Just mind when you return to work that it will naturally cause a certain amount of anxiety which will aggravate your condition. It WILL pass, keep occupied, go easy, and dont feed the fire xxx

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    1. Thank you. Turns out I'm not going in today as no one has prepared for my return so they've asked me to take a holiday. Emotions all over the place haha!

      You're right. I'm just gonna try to keep my mind focussed xxx

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  8. I really hope you feel better soon! That feeling of doom is awful, I've had it a few times myself.

    As for the work thing, I'm pretty sure after a few shifts you will be fine - it will be the facing people for the first time that I'm sure you're dreading - but that will be the hardest part and won't last long <3

    Corinne x
    www.skinnedcartree.com

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    1. I know - I am worried about that first walk to my seat but I know as soon as I'm there it won't be as bad, it's the thought of it that's much worse. Thank you lovely x

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  9. Thankyou for writing this post :) I think it's so important for people to talk more about mental health.

    I understand exactly what you mean about people just not getting it, even when it's my closest friends & family. They are supportive but they don't understand and it can be so hard. It sometimes makes me feel ridiculous. I have generalised anxiety disorder, depression & IBS too.

    I hope everything goes well with work *hugs* x

    www.raiin-monkey.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you lovely. It's good to be able to talk about it and have such a positive response. x

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  10. we all support you on here xx

    itszee.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you lovely. I wasn't expecting as many supportive comments, really appreciate it xx

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